Embed Hell

Bad Flash games and embeds

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Pumpkin Land: PART 2

It’s 7 AM. I haven’t slept since last week. I haven’t slept because every time I close my eyes, I see the face of true horror.

 

Those expressionless faces. That terrible art style. It is the sort of thing to give even one such as myself nightmares.

 

And that presence I felt before… I still feel it now. It’s all around me, like a fog. Maybe it’s all in my head… still, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m not alone.

Regardless, I have to finish what I started. It’s time to return to Pumpkin Land.

The Fruits Game

Maybe it’s just the paranoia talking, but I’m sure I’ve seen this setup somewhere before.

I remember now. This is the same setup as the last four games. In case you forgot, or weren’t here last time, let me explain:

The character says the name of a thing, what it is depends on the game. You then have to click on the specified thing. In this one, the pumpkin asks, “Do you like… [fruit]?” (yes, this one has a pause, too), and if you click the green check… long story short, it’s the vegetables game from last time, but with fruit instead. Also, it steals elements from Kaboom! on the Atari 2600.

On a side note, something I forgot to mention last time… several of the fruits they use here, like the strawberry, do not grow on trees.

Final Score: 0/10

The game just asked me if I like bananas. That gives me a good idea of where to send whoever programmed this abomination.

In-On-Over-Under

Well, we’re off to a good start, aren’t we?

So, this time you have to put all this stuff wherever the crocodile tells you. And she (I think it’s a she, it sounds like a she) tells you in the most insulting way possible. You know how, in comedies sometimes, an English-speaking character will try to communicate with a foreigner by over-annunciating, raising their volume, and gesturing? That’s how this crocodile talks all the time. Literally the first thing I heard her say in this game was “Put the GECKOOO under the CHAIR”, like she thought the audience wouldn’t know what either of those were otherwise.

So, you do everything she says, you get a short little animation that I couldn’t get a screenshot of in time, and that’s it.

 

Final Score: 0/10

It just keeps getting worse, doesn’t it? I don’t like being talked down to, and I don’t think this game’s intended audience would enjoy it either.

Numbers

What did I just say about it getting worse? 

This one doesn’t mess around. It just drops you right in. This time, you have to identify the numbers in order to play piano notes for the most easily-amused crowd in existence.

 

Final Score: 0/10

I think this might be the worst game on the site. I don’t think I can even call it a game, it’s more like… an interactive thing that exists and serves no purpose to anybody. I swear, you’d have to be trying to create a game with this little semblance to an actual game!

Hungry Pumpkin

Well, I can’t hold it off any longer. This is the most notorious and well-known game on the site, the “crown jewel,” if you will. Let’s see what we’ve got.

Brace yourselves.

So, this guy walks in, says “I’m very hungry,” and demands that I give him jam. When I click on the jam, he takes it and eats the entire jar. I think we’re off to a good start.

This time it’s, you guessed it, more identifying things. Click on the food the pumpkin wants, and he will eat it, including the container it’s in.

And… that’s pretty much it. What else did you expect?

Final Score: 0/10

This sums up all the problems the site has overall. Disturbing character designs, lack of logic, cheap animation, no educational value, bad voice acting, talking down to children, games that barely even qualify as games, and I’m pretty sure my IQ dropped while playing them. These are the worst Flash games I’ve ever played, if you even count them as games.

 

A god-awful site, send it to the moon. An old tired meme that no one likes, send it to the moon.

I’m glad that’s over. But for some reason, I still can’t shake the feeling that I’m not alone. I’d better check it out. If anything happens, I’ll

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Pumpkin Land: PART 1

Maybe you’ve heard of Pumpkin Land.

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In case you haven’t, here’s the rundown: some incompetent game designer got up one day, and decided to create an educational Flash site for children. The problem was that his idea of “educational” was closer to The Teletubbies than Sesame Street. The end result was an abominable train wreck of a site, with eight deplorable games that have no educational value, or any value whatsoever.

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Because there are eight of these, I’m going to split this review in half. I’ll look over the first four this week, and the last four next week. Now without further ado, let’s get started.

The Color Game

The game begins with a randomly-colored pumpkin falling out of the sky. Oookay, somebody was clearly on drugs when they made this.

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When you click it, it says the name of its color, and maybe one or two more will fall out of the sky.

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Eventually, the other colors will fall one by one, leading to a symphony of pure annoyance.

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Final Score: 0/10

What part of this is educational? I hesitate to even call it a game. How would a little kid hearing these words for the first time connect them to each color? There’s nothing to indicate that these words are referring to the color of each pumpkin. A child would more likely attach the names to the characters, or mistake it for some alien language.

The Clothes Game

Does anyone else feel… slightly unnerved by this game? There’s just something about this thing that just seems… wrong.

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So, we’re off to a good start. A pumpkin with a creepy face is hanging clothes. And her voice actor is terrible, by the way.

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Once you hit play, this bird thing shows up. The good news is, this one is more like a game. The bad news is, the game sucks.

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Click the articles of clothing that the bird names, and they’ll blow away. That’s it. image

Final Score: 1/10

Identify the clothes, kids! Yeah, I’m starting to get the feeling that the creators of this game thought that this sort of thing could be considered educational. Sadly, this is the closest it gets to being educational so far. The other problem this one has is that bird. Think about it: a bird that can apparently control the wind, uses that power to steal all this woman’s clothes. At least, that’s what it looks like. You know, for kids!

Vegetables

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This one starts with the surprisingly well-shot sunrise being interrupted by this frikkin’ thing. It’s a blind jackrabbit with an irritating voice, who immediately asks what vegetables there are. 

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This time, you have to direct this rabbit to each vegetable he names. Unfortunately, this is about as straightforward as setting up an Xbox 360. First, you have to press the √ if there are any, or the X if there aren’t. If X is the correct answer, you’ll hear “No, there are not. There aren’t any… (name of vegetable).” And yes, there is a pause before it says the name of the vegetable. If √ is the correct answer, you’ll hear “Yes, there are. There are some…” then you have to click the correct vegetable.

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Making things more irritating, sometimes the rabbit asks for the same vegetable two turns in a row, half the time right after he’s already eaten them all. You know, you can program your game to remember things that just happened.

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And that’s the whole thing. Is there any effort? 

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Final Score: 1/10

No, there is not. There isn’t any… effort.

Barnyard Disco

I’m not kidding here. There is something terribly wrong about this game.

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Stop me if you heard this one: you have to click on whatever animal this pumpkin guy names. In other words: exactly like the last two games, except there are animals this time.

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It comes complete with a half-assed guitar loop version of Old McDonald. Also, there’s a time limit: if you take too long to click one animal, it will switch to the next one.

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Final Score: 1/10

Overall, I’d say this is the most forgettable of all of them. There’s not much to say about this one, because there’s nothing here.

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I’ve had about all I can stand. Yes, I know there are four more games, but if they’re anything like these, they can wait until next week.

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I swear, there’s something wrong with this game. Ever since I started, I’ve felt like I’m being watched. I guess it’s just my own paranoia, I should really stop listening to those Creepypasta narrations.

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Fireboy and Watergirl (sort of) PART 4

A little while ago, I did a string of reviews based on the Fireboy and Watergirl series of Flash games, and some of the games that spun off from their Flash osmosis. I ended the last one with a screenshot from a game that looked similar, but had a different title and character designs. That is just one of a few Fireboy and Watergirl clones that sprung up after the original games.

Because, you know, those were so great.

 

Regardless of the reasoning behind the creation of these games, I picked three to review today. So, I guess this could be considered part 4… sort of. These aren’t technically Fireboy and Watergirl games, they just use a similar gameplay style.

Firestar Icestar Go Home

Let’s start with the one I’ve teased twice now on this blog.

Look at this title screen. Yeah, the artwork is okay, but just look at the characters. Icestar is blushing, while Firestar has this creepy rape face. It’s kind of unnerving. …Anyway, on to the gameplay.

We start with- wait, what’s that music? Here, listen for yourself:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=id9nOYlC9AU

It’s the theme song from Mondo TV’s Puppy in My Pocket. I’ve never heard anything so random and out-of-place. Maybe whoever made this game just heard the words “puppy” and “love”, and didn’t listen to the rest of it before putting it in the game. My only question is, how did they find this song? It’s from a cheaply-animated show based on a toy nobody remembers, and made by the company that produced the animated Titanic movie.

 

No, not the one with the rapping dog, the other animated Titanic movie.

 

Yes, that one - the one with the magical moonbeams, evil whaler, talking dolphins, and the giant octopus.

But, I’m getting a bit off topic. How’s the gameplay? Well, it’s about the same as Fireboy and Watergirl. You need to get to the doors while collecting gems. That’s pretty much it.

Well, there’s later in the game, when they add locked doors.

And there’s this one level that has an enemy. Yes, they couldn’t be bothered to have enemies in more than one level.

 

And… that’s all there is to it, really. It’s another Fireboy and Watergirl game, just with a slightly different name. The only thing notable about it is the random out-of-place soundtrack.

Final Score: 4/10

In a word: unremarkable.

Firestar Icestar One Hundred Layer

Ugh. There are those faces again.

 

Okay, just looking at the instructions, I’m not sure if I even have to review this one. Just look at it – it’s your basic “fall safely from platform to platform without wither touching the death thing above you or the death drop below you” kind of game.

 

And sure enough, that’s exactly what this is. There really isn’t a whole lot to say about this one other than that.

 

Final Score: 2/10

I’ve seen this type of game done before. I’ve seen it done better before. …Okay, that’s a lie. I’ve never seen this type of game done well. Yeah, it’s challenging, but a challenging game isn’t always well-made. This format? Challenging, but not well made. You just try it once or twice, and then give up.

Temples Adventure

Okay, are those just the stock images they had for these characters? Do they really have no other artwork of them?

Now this looks straightforward enough. Just a few problems: one, the character mindlessly walks forward, and two, I have no idea how to jump. I’ve tried literally every button on the keyboard, and nothing seems to do anything.

Okay, so you use the left or right keys to jump left or right. You know, I really shouldn’t have had to check the instructions to play a cheap Flash game. 

So, after dodging spikes and shadow crows that drop bowling balls (don’t ask), you wind up in this chamber to receive a tablet. Then, you get to start the next level.

Which is the same as the previous level. Just jump up the blocks while dodging things. I’m actually surprised by how addicting and, I dare say, fun this game is. It gets a little unfair in some levels, like the first one with the fists (again, don’t ask), but it’s still enjoyable overall.

Final Score: 7/10

This… does not suck. At all. It’s an actual decent game. It’s a little rough around the edges, but it’s still an overall enjoyable game.

Huh. Went out on a high note. I didn’t expect that. Now that I’m finally finished with Fireboy and Watergirl and everything related to Fireboy and Watergirl, I can finally move on to a different series of games. Maybe some of the Mario or Dora ones, there’s a lot of those. Or perhaps something a little more infamous…

Oh yeah, I’m going there.

 

…I don’t know what that was just now. I thought I felt something. Oh well, it’s probably nothing to worry about.

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Bears Find ABC

I hate it when games think they have to dumb their content down to please children. I especially hate it when game designers confuse reducing a game’s overall quality for making it more accessible for children.

 

Take, for example, Ninjabread Man. It’s a game that apparently thinks that kids are too stupid to handle more than three levels, normal controls, or pretty much anything you’d find in a normal game.

 

And then we have sites like Gamesgrow. This is where most of the games I get for this blog come from. Most of these games have two things in common: one is terrible or simplistic grammar, and the other is terrible or simplistic gameplay.

Now, I turn your attention towards the “find hidden objects” genre. You know, the genre I Spy is built on. Done right, this genre can make for a great kid’s game. But when it’s done wrong, you get Bears Find ABC.

 

Just like how a lot of these Flash games use popular characters in a sorry attempt to attract players (like the endless supply of Mario, Spongebob and Dora games), this one is based on a Chinese animated series called Boonie Bears. And just like Magic Baby before it, it steals images directly from its source material. But that’s nothing compared to the gameplay. “But wait,” I hear you ask, “how bad could an I Spy-style game possibly be?” Why don’t you see for yourself? 

Look at this picture. All the letters on the bottom of the screen are hidden in this picture. Just try to find all of them in two minutes. Here, I’ll wait.

Couldn’t do it, could ya? You want to know why? It’s because the letters are invisible. But don’t worry, you get four hints. Which means you’ll use them all up before you find where all the letters are, forcing you to start over. Basically, in order to win, you have to memorize exactly where every letter is. There’s no other way to do it. Some of the letters are easy to see, but after you get rid of those, you’re stuck unless you use your hints. The icing on the cake? Those hints are the only ones you ever get in the entire game.

 

Final Score: 0/10

Look at that Game Over screen. At first glance, it looks like I did alright. But do you want to know how I got most of the letters on this stage? By clicking in random places. Most of them were invisible, and I used up all my hints in the previous stage. This was level 2, by the way. Need I say more?

 

What’s with these Flash game sites and their titles? It’s always “Free Games Wow”, “Game 1 Games”, or something like that, and they always have “free online games” above their address bar, as if that’s such an awesome concept. Well guess what, for pretty much everyone who makes games for these kinds of sites, “free” translates to “cheap”, which translates to “we don’t need to put effort into it”, and then you start getting games with titles that sound like they were written by a preschooler!

 

Great, because I took the time to get screenshots for this review, I now have the theme song from Boonie Bears stuck in my head. Well, it could be worse. It could be a song that has nothing to do with anything that’s going on in the game. I sure am glad I don’t have to play anything like that in the near future!

…Oh, yeah. Forgot about that.

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Freaky Flickers

I sort of find mild amusement in Freaky Flickers.

 

…Okay, so it’s more like a fascination. Regardless, for those of you who don’t know what Freaky Flickers are (which probably goes for all of you), Freaky Flickers was a toyline originally released around 2008-ish that mostly comprised of small figurines. It had a lot in common with… pretty much every line ever that makes use of small collectable figurines with some random gimmick that maybe comes with playing cards.

 

Let’s compare it to, for example, Mighty Beans. Mighty Beans was a totally lame product that was doomed to failure from the start, relied on a lame gimmick that paled in comparison to most of the other toys that were out at the time, and was clearly intended to become a fad that never caught on because of how incredibly lame it was.

 

Similarly, Freaky Flickers was a totally lame product that was doomed to failure from the start, relied on a lame gimmick that paled in comparison to most of the other toys that were out at the time, and was clearly intended to become a fad that never caught on because of how incredibly lame it was.

So basically, it was one of those toylines that just pop up out of nowhere and are ultimately killed a few short months later by their own endeavor. What sets it apart from the rest of those toylines is the fact that its creators somehow came to the conclusion that it was much more popular than it was or ever could be. This, naturally, meant it got everything from a movie (which thankfully was never released) to a set of Flash games.

Now, like The Happy Cricket, the site that had the Freaky Flickers games is no longer operational. But, unlike The Happy Cricket, a site called Left Brain Games somehow got ahold of their files, and can be easily found on the site after digging through six hundred less interesting titles.

What’s interesting about the Freaky Flickers Flash games is that Freaky Flickers was never intended to have its own set rules or gameplay. So, let’s see how this failed franchise handles rules and gameplay.

Freaky Flickers World

 

I’ve never understood these loading screens. It’s a Flash file. Shouldn’t the browser do the loading?

 

So, let’s look over our playable characters, whose descriptions each include their own terrible pun.

You know what? I work on Freaky Flickers Archives, so I’m going with Kung Poo.

Bakarayo! Game start!

So, you move by holding down and releasing the mouse button. Depending on how long you hold it down and when you release it, you’ll either barely move at all, or catapult yourself halfway across the level.

I kid, I kid. You actually have plenty of control over your movement. It’s just… how do I put this? Awkward.

You roll over coins to collect them. And every time you collect a coin, you get a generic victory sound effect.

To get certain coins, you have to jump over water, which is a lot more tedious than it has any business being.

There are also these things that you have to push out of the way by slamming into them as hard as possible.

 

You ultimately finish the level by buying a trampoline, and using it to reach this yellow X.

The next stage has enemies. Which can’t harm you. At all. And to kill them, you just bump them a lot. 

But you can buy catapults, so… there’s that.

 

Whenever you fall into the water, you start exactly where you were before you made the jump that landed you in the water. Which makes maneuvering around certain objects a real pain.

 

Whenever you buy an item, you have no idea where it’s going to end up. And, because of how this level is set up, there’s no way to reach the end if you’ve just been playing the first two stages, since you won’t be able to buy the other catapults necessary to get across the water.

Luckily, you can skip to any level you want using the map. You don’t even have to beat them in advance, you can just skip ahead if you want.

So, I did what anyone would: I skipped to the end, just to see if there was an end.

 

I found this Venus flytrap that you’d think would be an enemy, but in actuality, it throws you farther ahead. Which is helpful.

Then, there are these geysers, which also throw you around.

Remember how I said I wanted to see if this game had an end? I don’t think it does. I’ve been all over this map, and I haven’t been able to find an exit.

Also, I killed the flytrap.

 

Before I finish up this one, I might as well take a look at some of the other characters. See, there are five types of Flicker; Kung Poo in this game represents the Bombers. So, I’m expecting different gameplay from each of them.

Here’s Aargh, a Slider.

Okay, not seeing anything different so far.

Let’s try a Blocker, Portker.

You’re kidding me. They’re all exactly the same.

 

Final Score: 4/10

It’s… lackluster, to say the least. It’s entertaining, for the first minute or so. But then it just gets more and more dull the more you play it. The enemies are harmless, and even helpful in some cases. Some maneuvers are nearly impossible because your character controls like rubber. I have better luck with the pinball stage on Marble Blast Gold. Some stages are rendered unwinnable if you purchase the wrong items, or even if you just purchase them in the wrong order. And, it fails to take advantage of multiple player characters. Freaky Flickers come in Blockers, Bombers, Rockers, Sliders, and Spinners. They could have used that to their advantage, and had a different gameplay style for each one. Instead, they all play exactly the same.

Fighting Freaky Flickers

Well, this should be interesting. It has this dull, low rhythmic beat.

 

Flicker Battle Power? Uh, I’ll go with 3, I guess.

Okay, so I just select a Flicker, and…

…what is this, Rock/Paper/Scissors Death Match?

Yes. That’s exactly what it is. And no, there’s no rhyme or reason to it.

The higher levels add more Flickers, kind of like Rock Paper Scissors 25. And just as random. Flicker Battle Power? That implies skill. This game doesn’t take skill, it takes luck! Pure, dumb luck!

Final Score: 2/10

It’s Rock/Paper/Scissors. It’s random. There’s no skill involved, just dumb luck.

Doc’s Freaky Flicker Explosion

This one has a more upbeat soundtrack. But, the title screen still looks the same as the others.

So, Doc Flick’s petri dish is bursting with Flickers, and we need to get rid of the excess by deleting groups of three or more… wait, that sounds familiar…

Bet you’ve seen this kind of game before. Kind of wish I knew what it was originally from, there have been so many games that utilize this style of gameplay. 

And, that’s really all there is to it. Just click on groups of three or more to remove them.

 

Final Score: 2/10

I’ve played this game six hundred times before. Every time I play it, it uses a different resource pack to look slightly different.

Freaky Flicker Fun

 

So, you get some lame excuse plot about Flickers having to work on their memory. …Wait a minute, memory? Recycled gameplay? Oh no…

 

Oh yes…

It’s a memory game. It works the exact same way as every other memory game in existence. Do I even need to explain it? There’s been thousands of iterations of it over the years. Skylanders has it as a minigame, for crying out loud.

Final Score: 0/10

I’ve said everything there is to say about this game already. There’s nothing else. Literally nothing else to say.

 

When will toy manufacturers learn that, to create a phenomenon, it takes effort, creativity, and above all, knowing your limits. If your product is as lame as Freaky Flickers, and its competition is as awesome as Bakugan, don’t expect your product to be a success, and instead expect it to fade into obscurity with the rest of those toylines.

By the way, Akinator doesn’t know any of the Flickers.

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Social Wars

Socialpoint.

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Socialpoint is a company that, as far as I know, creates cheap Facebook games. Usually, these Facebook games tend to steal designs from various other, more successful companies, most likely because they were too lazy to come up with their own designs. Don’t believe me? How about I show you some Monster Legends. Tell me if you recognize any of these:

Koopigg,

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Pandaken,

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Zim,

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Electrex,

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Bloomskips,

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Genie,

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Thunder Eagle,

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And the most blatant of all, Pandalf.

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Now, those are a lot of obvious rip-offs, to be sure. But, there is one Facebook game that has even more. How much more, you ask? Well, just look at this:

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And that’s just the start. We haven’t even gotten to the aliens yet. This is Social Wars.

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But first, a loading screen.

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And this is always promising. Not.

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So, sometime in the not-too-distant future, everything was absolutely peaceful.

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So peaceful, in fact, that nobody was prepared when the world was invaded by Ridley Scott aliens and Doom demons.

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And then somehow they got weapons and stuff.

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Also, that soldier looks suspiciously like Master Chief from Halo.

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Well, we’re off to a great start.

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So, we begin with a tutorial on how to play the game, and it’s sure to show us exactly what we need to click in order to progress. I’m not even joking, just look at what comes after this:

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There’s way too much hand-holding here! When you first start out, you’re not allowed to do a thing on your own. It’s like the programmers designed this game for little kids. Why would I be complaining about that?

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BECAUSE IT’S ON FACEBOOK! And you can’t use Facebook if you’re under the age of 13. Which means that nobody who has ever played this game needed this much hand-holding at the start.

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So, long story short, you set up a building, battle some orcs, build another building, and then it lets you pick your first robot.

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And you’re given a choice between Red-Eyes Black Metal Dragon, Bumblebee, and Arnold.

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And then, finally, it starts letting you do things by yourself. Sort of.

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So, you fight these orcs, and then…

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…what’s this? A cutscene? I didn’t expect that.

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Right away, you’ll notice that there are these two powerful-looking (if Bayformer-esque) robots just sitting here. Well, to get those, you have to pay.

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That’s right. They expect people to pay money for content in this rip-off compilation.

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So, you defeat the next few enemies, save the soldiers (I guess), and then there’s another cutscene. After that, you unlock some new, familiar-looking characters.

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That’s right. You saw this coming. You get Spartans.

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If that’s not enough, another thing I wanted to talk about was the layout. Compare the way this game looks to the way these games look:

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It’s the exact same layout as Monster Legends and Dragon City, SocialPoint’s other Facebook games! If that isn’t lazy, then I’m a turnip!

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Also, as is common with SocialPoint’s library, everything takes forever, and in this case, that includes chapters in the game’s story.

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Hey, what’s this? …Of course. It wouldn’t be a SocialPoint without a shameless plug for another SocialPoint game.

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Did I mention there are level restrictions? Yeah, but they’re mostly the “oh no, you can’t do that until you reach level x” type of restriction. You know those guys from Pokémon Generation V that were blocking your way because they were “dancing for no reason”? It’s kind of like that, only less amusing.

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Final Score: 5/10

Oh, you’re wondering why I’m stopping now? Because there’s nothing else to talk about. That’s really the way it is with all SocialPoint games. They’re decent at best, even if a lot of the designs are stolen, but there’s really nothing much to discuss about them other than “that soldier class looks like Master Chief”, or “that giant robot looks like Bumblebee”. The combat is the kind you’d see in something like Warcraft 1: the units attack each other, and greater strength/numbers wins. The structures work the same way as in Warcraft 1, as well as in the other SocialPoint games: put it in a place where there is nothing in the way, and then wait for it to be built. The character designs, as I’ve mentioned before, are ripped directly from other sources like Alien, Halo, and Terminator, which makes the game feel cheap, and it’s almost insulting that it would ask for real money. But, ultimately, it is a typical SocialPoint game: unoriginal, needlessly restricted, and thoroughly unimpressive.

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And in case you needed any more convincing that you should not give SocialPoint your money, check out these robots blatantly named Godzilla Mech, Gamera Mech, and King Kong Mech. And no, there is no way they could have legally gotten the license for all three of those names.

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Halloween Review: The Fur Fighters

I may have found the scariest game of all time. Amnesia has got nothing on this.

Oh, by the way, it’s PETA time again.

The Fur Fighters has been a part of PETA’s game library for quite some time now. It features the same old things we’ve come to expect from PETA, including straw men, self-righteousness, and over-the-top gore. But, you must be wondering why such a typical PETA game is so horrible compared to the rest of them.

Well, let’s just say, it features something so terrifying, it gives this guy a run for his money.

And speaking of… here they are right now.

 

Look at those dead, soulless eyes. Look at that expressionless face. That is the face of fear. You will see it in your nightmares.

So, it starts off by letting you select your difficulty. It’s also sure to point out that it’s illegal to paint things that don’t belong to you. Kind of hypocritical, seeing as how that is one of several rules PETA never follows. Also, while an animal would not be subject to human laws, they would still be considered a menace if they destroyed public property.

Your first mission is to paint anti-fur messages on fur coats. Because that’s going to help your case a whole lot.

So, we start with… um… that’s supposed to be the hero, right? Because with the dead-eyed expression and the trail of red, he looks like he just killed someone. Um, I should talk about the gameplay. The controls are crude, but the level is easy overall. You just go around and press the spacebar in front of every coat.

After that, we get one of PETA’s trademark soapbox moments. As always, they represent their opponents using straw men, and they show everyone immediately agreeing with them.

 

Second mission. This time, you’re supposed to wave a sign around.

And it works. Again, everybody instantly agrees with what PETA says in this game. Kind of makes you wonder… is that fox doing something to the audience’s minds? Because no other explanation would make sense. Gameplay-wise, again, it’s really simple. Just stand in front of a model, and press the spacebar. Real fun game.

You are then rewarded with another soapbox moment. Yes, I’m certain of it. That fox did something to these girls’ minds.

Ut oh! We’ve got a spelling error! This time, your mission is to free animals from their cages.

It’s the same principal as before. Stand in front of things pressing the spacebar. And look absolutely terrifying doing it.

Okay, there’s no doubt about it. That’s no fox. That is some eldritch horror in the shape of a fox. Oh, need more proof? Take a look at this sentence I found on the site:

 

Sound familiar?

Final Score: 2/10

While I agree that killing an animal just for its fur is wasteful, this is a horrible way to convey that. While it’s just as over-the-top as PETA’s other games, it isn’t nearly as enjoyable as Red, White and Blue was in that regard. It’s barely even a game; it’s just a propaganda piece, with little to no redeeming factors. The gameplay just amounts to standing in front of things and pressing the spacebar, that’s it. And it’s just unpleasant. Not just because of how it conveys its message, but also because of the player character. And I thought the player characters from Bratzillaz: Enchanted Adventure were freaky. This thing looks like it should be a monster in a Creepypasta, not the player avatar in a Flash game. And that’s the worst thing you can do when you’re trying to convey a message: make yourself look worse than whom you’re arguing against.

 

T͔h̺̝̀é̘̤̙̻͖ ̬̯̘f͔̦͎̥o̖x͕̱̺ ̫̲͖͢k̟̻̞ͅn̰o̦w̧̹̬ś̘͚̟͕̜̭ ̝̻̬͚w̤͉̱h̺̝͖͚̮̞̪á̤̫t͉͍ ̝͉̲̭̹͔y̮̦̙o̡͈̜̤u̴̻̯͎̣̠ ͚ḓ̵i̢̝͔̫͖͖̘d.̵̥͈͇.̨͔̰̗.̱̘͖̘

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Fireboy and Watergirl: PART 3

Hey, you remember all those Fireboy and Watergirl games I did so far? Turns out those weren’t the real games.

 

Apparently, Fireboy and Watergirl underwent a Flash game osmosis similar to Spongebob Squarepants, Super Mario, and Dora the Explorer. How I have no idea. But seeing as they’ve been in so many games, these games must be amazing! …Well, seeing as how they’re on this blog, you know that won’t be the case. So, without further ado, let’s see just how good the original Fireboy and Watergirl series is.

Fireboy and Watergirl in the Forest Temple

 

So, this game has two title screens. That’s always promising. Also, I really hope the soundtrack they picked for this title screen wasn’t stolen. Why would I even consider that a possibility? We’ll get to that shortly.

 

We start off with a tree-shaped map of what I assume is the titular Forest Temple. I have to admit, it’s an interesting take on the level select screen.

 

Ugh. It’s our old friend, the repetitive music loop. I guess it really was the series’ official song. Just like how you always hear the same three songs in every Mario game, you’ll hear this audio loop in every Fireboy and Watergirl game. Gameplay-wise, it’s a collect-a-thon with puzzle elements.

 

My first issue with the game is the sound effects. Whenever you jump, you hear Link from Ocarina of Time. That’s not the only sound effect they stole, however – on the map screen, whenever you select a level, you can hear Navi flying around. Also, why are those doors marked that way? Are they trying to get to the bathroom?

 

As you may have guessed, lava kills Watergirl, and water kills Fireboy. And green mud kills them both.

 

By the third level, we actually get different music. After hearing the same two audio tracks over and over, this is a nice change of pace. The level itself is pretty easy if you ignore one of the gems, and it really makes you appreciate how they decided not to have collecting all the gems be required.

 

After the fourth stage, you’re allowed to choose between five levels to go to next. Again, this is a nice take on the level select screen. It somehow manages to not be linear, while also remaining linear. If that makes any sense.

 

The only other major issue I can find is with this particular final level. See all those paths? Now look at this:

Fake difficulty. It pretends to be harder than it really is. And I’m not talking about just getting to the doors, I’m talking about the puzzle. The only hazards are the lava and the green mud, both of which can be easily avoided. Also, up until this point, collecting all the gems has been optional. But here, you need to get that one green gem in order to win. 

 

And past that, it’s just more of the same stuff from before. Wait, just look at this one for a minute. Off to the right, you see those switches? You’re supposed to use the rocks to press those switches. But what it you pushed the top one through first? It would activate the first switch, but you’d never be able to get the second one. A classic example of unwinnable by design. But this one’s easy enough to avoid.

 

Final Score: 7/10

I can see why so many people like this game. But, I can’t see why they would like it enough to do fan art, spin-offs, or clones. There are two ways to lose: either you don’t complete the puzzle (which usually amounts to not going through the level the right way), or you fall into one of the hazards. And, as I mentioned before, it utilizes stolen sound effects. It’s not bad, but I wouldn’t go as far as to call it good, either.

Fireboy and Watergirl in Ice Temple

 

I’m skipping to the third one because I can’t find the second one anywhere.

 

This time, there are three levels you can start on, and the map is more complex. But, the Navi sound effect is still present.

 

Hey, there are actually different hazards! This time there’s ice, timers… that’s it.

 

Next, we have another okay level. Like the last one, it’s pretty typical of Fireboy and Watergirl, but with extra dings and whistles attached. This one has a rotating white light that freezes the water, allowing Fireboy to cross.

 

Now this one looks a little more complex. But, again, it’s just like the last game with a couple extra mechanics. It looks more complex than it actually is.

 

Final Score: 6/10

Aside from two extra mechanics, it does little to improve upon the existing gameplay mechanics from the first entry. Also, all the same issues apply, like the sound effects and the simplicity.

Fireboy and Watergirl in Crystal Temple

 

I expect there will be a ton of stairs this time around.

 

Again, the level select screen is a bit more complex. And just like last time, the Navi sound effect is still there.

For new mechanics, this time they added portals. Just portals. That’s about it.

 

Final Score: 5/10

They took out the new mechanics from Ice Temple, and replaced them with portals. Aside from that, it’s exactly the same as the first one! The characters still sound like Link when they jump, there are still only two dumb ways to die, and the levels still look harder than they actually are!

Okay, I’ve played through the original series. Except the second one, but given how it’s all been more or less the same up to this point, I doubt that one’s any different. Now I should be done with Fireboy and Watergirl, and I will never have to deal with it or anything resembling it ever aga-

 

FFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU